JUNE 8 15:35
This isn't your typical. It's something of a mashup. A novel. A memoir. I call it a poem, though I don't see any resemblance to rhyme.

It's been a year. An entire year. I think of you everyday. I think of your sister. Sometimes I think about Michael. He sent me a really nice note yesterday. I liked that. You would too.

I've tried to be more like you. I'm not really sure how that's gone. Not caring what people think.

If you were here, I'd say, you know, if someone called me purple, I'd wonder what was wrong with their eyeballs. Why then have I spent three years now, trying to find out what's wrong with me ? It's none of my goddam business what other people think. You'd agree. You'd tell me I'm beautiful. I'm strong. You'd tell me how smart you think I am. You were mostly honest so I didn't always understand. What was behind the love you had for family. For me. I feel it now. Man, do I ever. I miss you goddamit. I miss you so f'n much.

There were years we didn't talk. We were just doing our own thang. I'm so grateful though, for the years we hung out a lot. Jeremy too. I miss you both. Man ... I miss you. I know where Jeremy is. Where are you.


I'm writing now. I realize I can't wait. Knowing you were there one second — gone the next. I saw it. In some twisted miracle, we all did.

Where are you ... I know you aren't gone. I heard yesterday that some scientist concludes the soul is inside us until we die, and when it leaves, our bodies weigh less. Pounds less. 

Where are you ? If it's true all life is energy, is your soul still sending messages ? To you. Or me. 

I'll just pretend. I was always sooo good at that when I was a kid. You know, I'd pretend that I was at work, and the teacher was my boss. I'd watch the clock for lunch break and I'd have lunch with my office mates.

Years later when I was at a job I hated, I'd imagine being in university. Sitting among the privileged. It got me through. In fact I came to look forward to my days using this trick. I use it still.

I don't know about you, but I've always wanted to write. I never felt completely confident with my writing, but it didn't stop me. That's really why these words are present. And, present they are. I'm writing this, RIGHT NOW.

That's right, as this is published, it will be raw, unedited and ... live. You certainly may come upon this writing hours, days, weeks or even decades after it's writing, but it's going out live. Unedited. I don't promise I won't edit it ... just sayin', you'll see what I first wrote, should you be around when I write it ... like this very moment. 

Here we go folks. Let's lay out the gameplan, shall we ? OK << GO !

JUNE16 14:13
I've already forgotten what I was about to write. By the time I logged in, found the page, made a new section, formatted it, reformatted it. Reformatted the last section. Yeah. Forgot it. I'll be back. You know it. I'll be back.

Is this a failure ? No. It's me learning the first hurdle of live writing. Sometimes, you forget what was in your head before you commit it. That's part of writing and I don't let it get me down. I'll be back. You know I will.